The Sorcerer's Parody
by Musical cake
Summary: A parody on Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. Based mostly on the books.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hello, I thought I would try my hand at a humorous parody. I hope this turns out well and I'll try to stick to the storyline as much as I can. I will always be open to suggestions and love reviews. If nobody reviews, the people who read this will hate you and me because I will shut this down. I hope you enjoy! All credit and rights go to J.K. Rowling.**

**This idea was based off of Agent047's Parody of the Black Pearl and sequels.  
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_The Dursleys were normal people. They were boring people who didn't believe in magic. Mr. Dursley was the director of a firm called Grunnings, (Owned by a man named Greg Runnings) that made drills. Mrs. Dursley spent her time spying on the neighbors over the fence. They had a fat son who they thought was the best. One night, The Dusleys were talking. _

Vernon: How is your sister?

Petunia: Sister? I don't have a sister.

Vernon: Right, I forgot, she was disowned.

Petunia: If _they_ were to arrive in the street, or a car, or a train, or anything, I would seriously move out of London and change my name.

Vernon: A bad influence on Duddykins. I don't like them. They defy logic.

_The next day, Mr. Dursley picked out his most boring tie._

Vernon: *Holds up a plain pale yellow tie* Nope, too exciting.

Yellow Tie: Hey! I resent that!

Vernon: Shaddup. *Tosses tie over his shoulder.*

Yellow Tie: Oof.

Vernon: *Holds up a plain gray tie* Oh yeah, this is boring.

Gray Tie: Hahahahaha suckers!

Vernon: *puts on the Gray Tie and admires himself in the mirror.* Ooh la la, now I look normal.

_Nobody noticed the owl flying around the house. _

Owl: *Shouting* Oh hey look at meeee! I'm flying around your house! Check it out!... Oi! Look out the window you doofus!

_ He took his briefcase outside he kissed his wife then tried to kiss his son. _

Vernon: You are the best son in the world so give your daddy a kiss before he leaves for work. Oof!

_Vernon's face smashed into the back of Dudley's high chair. Dudley was in no mood for this and he threw a Cheerio into Vernon's nose. He giggled as Vernon tried to snort it out. The whole-grain projectile shot out of Vernon's nose and broke a vase. _

Vernon: *laughing* Little Tyke

Petunia: My sister's favorite vase!... Finally it broke on accident!

_Petunia had never wanted to throw out a perfectly good vase, but she didn't have the heart to just smash it. Vernon got in his car and drove down the road and saw a cat reading a map. He checked his eyesight and tried to ignore anything peculiar for the rest of the day. He got stuck in a traffic jam aand saw people wearing cloaks. _

Vernon: Hey! People should not dress like that! That stuff belongs in the movies!

People in Cloaks: Who was that boring man in that boring car probably heading off to a boring job?

_When he got to his office he turned his back on the window, so he didn't see all the owls flying repeatedly past his window. _

Owls: Oi! Can't you see, or hear! We are yelling at you! Look out the window you boring man!

Vernon: Hmm, I must have gotten a new chair.

_He starts spinning on the chair._

Vernon: Wheeeee!

_His day went well, he got to yell at people. He even yelled at the man in the bathroom that looked significantly like Richard Griffiths. At lunch, he went to get some bread from the bakery._

Vernon: Hmm, I think I'll go get some bread.

_He got a huge doughnut after seeing the sale sign. He heard some of what the Cloaked People were saying._

Cloaked People: Oh My Goodness! I just heard that the Potters were dead... Killed by You-Know-Who, I heard... Their son Harry survived... He did He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named in.

Vernon: Wow, Crazy nicknames. But still, this worries me... I think Lolli's son was Harry. No no, It was Harold. No no it was Horton. Or Hillary. Yeah, It wasn't Harry.

_Vernon was still worried when he left, so he didn't see the pink cloaked old man in front of the door. He ran right over him. _

Pink Cloaked Old Man: Hey! Would you watch where you're going, Fa... You know what, I'm in such a good mood! The Dark Lord is gone! We should be celebrating, even you, muggle!

_He hugged Vernon around the middle, then kissed him right on the mouth._

Vernon: Blech! Ew ew ew ew ew. What the heck is a muggle? I'm not part of your gang, freak.

_When he got home he saw the Cat. _

Vernon: Shoo! You're a cat. Get out of my yard!

Cat: Meeeeeeeooow. *Gives a totally stern look*

_Vernon walked inside and pinched Dudley's cheek._

Vernon: Hi Dudders.

Dudley: Won't!

_Before bed, Vernon __told Petunia he thought he was seeing things. _

Vernon: I think I'm seeing things.

Petunia: Like what?

Vernon: Like weird cloaked people, flying owls, shooting stars. Hey, your sister?

Petunia: *Stiffly* Yes?

Vernon: Whats her son's name?

Petunia: Harry.

Vernon: I heard his name today.

Petunia: We ignore it. We don't know anything.

_Vernon fell into a restless sleep. __A man appeared out of thin air on the moonlit street. He looked at the streetlights as if they were poisonous. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small handheld device. He held it up and clicked it once. A little flame appeared and he cursed. _

Dumbledore: Fudge, this is my lighter.

Random little boy: You have fudge? Can I have some too?

_Dumbledore reached into his pocket and pulled out the deluminator._

Dumbledore: Fudge? Where?

_The little boy sighed and walked off. Dumbledore clicked the deluminator and the light swarmed to it. Dumbledore got mesmerized by the light. _

Dumbledore: Ooh, pretty.

_His finger slipped and the light went out. He remembered why he was there in the first place, and walked off towards a house. In the driveway, there was a cat. _

Dumbledore: Here, kitty. Do you want a fishy flavored treat?

_T__he cat transformed into McGonagall. She hit the treat out of his outstretched hand. _

McGonagall: You dummy, every time you see me, you think I'm a real cat.

Dumbledore: What a waste of a good cat treat.

_He picked up the treat and ate it. McGonagall took his arm and pulled him to Number 4. _

Dumbledore: Would you like a lemon drop?

McGonagall: No! We're supposed to get in. Get out. Get going.

_There was a big roaring sound and a motorcycle pulled up._

Hagrid: Sorry I'm late. The flying thing broke, so I had to drive all the way here. The little tyke fell asleep just as we were driving through Bristol.

McGonagall: *To Dumbledore.* Did you rally think it was wise to trust Hagrid with something as important as this.

Dumbledore: Why not? Hello Hagrid.

_Hagrid got off the bike, and carried a bundle to Dumbledore. _

Dumbledore: Ahh, she's so ugly!

McGonagall: He's a boy.

Dumbledore: Oh. Well, he's still kind of ugly.

McGonagall: Are you sure you want to leave with these muggles? They're evil, I tell you. EVIL!

Dumbledore: Yep.

_..._

McGonagall: Are you gonna put him down now, I have to have tea with my ferrets...erm my f-friends.

Dumbledore: Fine, I don't want to hold the brat anymore.

_He put the baby down on the front step of the house. He put a letter on top of him._

McGonagall: Really? A letter? I wouldn't be surprised if this is called 'Harry Potter Day' in the future, and all you're doing to explain is a letter? These people won't understand, they're evil, I tell you. EVIL!

Dumbledore: Yeah. Good luck, Harry Potter. I hope I never see you again.

McGonagall: Um, you know that he's coming to Hogwarts in eleven years.

Dumbledore: Oh, crud.

Random little boy: Hogs get warts? Can I see? Is it hidden under you weird clothes? Do you still have some fudge?

Dumbledore, Hagrid and McGonagall: Fudge? Where?

Random little boy: Never talk to people in weird clothes. Never talk to strangers. Never talk to strangers it weird clothes. Never talk to people in weird clothes. Never talk to strangers. Never talk to strangers it weird clothes. Never talk to people in weird clothes. Never talk to strangers. Never talk to strangers it weird clothes. Never talk to people in weird clothes. Never talk to strangers. Never talk to strangers it weird clothes.

_He walked away chanting the mantra. The group stared puzzledly after him. _

McGonagall: Can't you do something about that scar?

Dumbledore: Nope, scars come in handy. I have a scar on my knee that is the perfect map of the London Underground.

McGonagall: Didn't you cut that into yourself so you wouldn't get lost as a child.

Dumbledore: Maybeee...

Hagrid: I'll be takin' Sirius his bike back.

Dumbledore: Yes we know, you wouldn't lie.

McGonagall and Hagrid: *Raise an eyebrow.*

_Hagrid drove away and Dumbledore released the light and he and McGonagall diapparated. Harry slept on the step peacefully with no idea that he was special, that he would be woken by his aunt's scream. He didn't know that wizards and witches all over the world were meeting and toasting to Harry Potter- The boy who lived._

Witches and Wizards all over the world: To Harry Potter – the boy who lived!

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**So, How did I do? This is my first Potter fanfic, so I hope that I did this right. I'm sorry I did this to Dumbledore but he's gonna be like this the entire story. Please no flaming. If you have suggestions, please tell. Maybe I'll put them in. Sorry It's short, but I'm just doing the introductions. I'm going to try to base this on the books as best as I can. See you next time!**  
**Also: Read my other story, A New Generation.**


	2. Prayer

I would like to have a moment of silence for the victims of the terrorist attack at the Boston Marathon.

There were two people killed and several others were wounded and maimed. They were hospitalized along with a three-year-old baby.

There are no suspects, but there is a person of interest being guarded at the hospital.

I pray for all the families and victims of these bombings.

I would like to ask that they are also included in your prayers.


End file.
